2017 has been an incredibly productive, exciting, disappointing, amazing, and terrifying year. I feel like I've produced more in the last year than I ever have. I've also made the leap to putting my work out there professionally. I won't lie, it's been draining and very tough. I've had to find a reserve of resilience that I'm still not sure I actually have. But, I've pushed through it. I've become more systematic and smarter about where I'm putting my energy and pacing myself, looking at the challenges that I can legitimately take on, and recognising when I need to rest.
The year for me is pretty much summed up in the
Anthony Burrill print that I bought.
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| Anthony Burrill print |
Regardless of the ups and downs, I've persisted. And I will continue to. More importantly, I've been my own coach, cheerleader, counsellor, and friend. I've been kinder to myself than I've ever been in my life and I can say without an ounce of shame or ego, I'm proud of myself.
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| My creative home for the holidays |
Looking for the one
Sadly no agent has seen the brilliance of
The Kelpie's Heart yet. The submission process is an exhausting blend of self-belief, courage, despair, fear, hope and sheer bloody-mindedness. I've submitted to more than a few agents and entered several novel competitions with no success yet. :-(
However, It's not all been discouraging. I've had some 'nice rejections' which are agents saying "I like your writing, your query is great, I'm just not keen on the idea." So, like finding a job or a relationship, I have to trust in myself, my vision, and keep going until I find the agent who fits me! I know my voice and have produced a story and manuscript that I'm super proud of. So, I have to keep going with that. Right? Right?!!!!
The truth is there are too many factors to know what is or isn't working. Maybe it's the story and I need to write something else. Maybe my writing doesn't match the genre as well as I think. There's a large element of luck and it's a numbers games - there are hundreds of other people just like me clamouring for a spot.
There's also that
nagging doubt that maybe I'm just not good enough.
After all the writing, drawing, editing, researching, submitting, getting feedback, and listening to all the voices (external and internal) telling me what to do. With no substantial leads my confidence took a serious pounding to the point where it was affecting my daily life. I had to take a step back.
The
Emersus Project is for me. I don't need validation. It's my heart and my story. But,
The Kelpie's Heart was written to share. I genuinely think the book is amazing. If someone else had written it I'd be telling other people how cool it is. It's the best I've got without the direction and guidance of someone who knows the business.
I only have so much reserve of courage and ego. So I took a month off of submitting to write, read and recharge. But, I'm sticking with putting the book out there because I don't know how to (and don't want to) give up. And, if I stop, I'm terrified I'll not be able to muster the courage to start again. So, I won't stop. This is what I want it with all my heart. This is what I'm meant for.
So, here's to filling 2018 with more rejections and an eventual win?! **weeps silently in a corner**
About The Kelpie's Heart
I first drafted The Kelpie's Heart in
2015 during NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It started out as an idea King Arthur and Merlin reborn in modern times. But that idea steadily grew into something more fantastic:
It became a story that I want to share with my nieces. I want them to have a brave amazing black female hero that they can relate to. She's not after a boy or some archetype counter-stereotype. She's just a girl who wants to be the best version of herself, protect her family and do what's right.
She's a fighter. She's a scholar. She's a sister. She's a whole person trying to figure things out. She's bad ass!
It became a statement about the young boys face today. The main male character has a lot stacked against him. He started out as a stereotypical meat-head but, as a writer, I'm starting to see beneath his oniony layers. He's got issues he doesn't want to talk about. And, he's not sure how. As the story develops there are lots of things I want to do with his character that I want to help young boys learn to open up about.
He's loyal. He's brash. He's a brother. He's a growing person, slowly but surely. He's a hero.
It became a vehicle to explore my love of mythology and delve deeper into Scots folklore. So many people think of it as just 'Celtic' mythology. But, Scots mythology has a character and wonder all it's own. It's a love letter to Scotland. It's also
a chance to draw monsters. I love drawing monsters. :)
It became part of me. The Emersus Project was the story I've had in my head since I was a kid. I didn't think there was another. Then a friend gave me this idea and it grew into something big and amazing - a new part of myself. Now I have these cool new kids and their adventures bouncing around in my head and I just wish I could take a year off to write out all of their adventures for everyone. Ash and Ana, and
all of the characters, are part of my family now and I want the world to meet them too.
About Emersus Project - NaNoWriMo
The best decision I made was participating in NaNoWriMo again. In my head the Emersus Project is five books so it was such a thrill to finally bash out a draft of Book 3 - Breaking Point.
For me, as above, the agenting process was really wearing me down. I knew that I needed to take time away from the chase and get back to the core of why I do this - I love writing and drawing. So, NaNoWriMo was a great chance to reconnect with my passion and build up my stores of confidence. I've written a lot about
why I love NaNoWriMo so I won't go into that. But it was great to spend time with Gemmy, Sem and Mhetli again and see how they're growing. I genuinely hate putting them through the paces in the story sometimes.
I finished the 50,000 words like a boss then took a break. I figure if you run a marathon, you don't go for a jog afterwards. But, I'm heading to finish the draft in the next month at a slightly less fevered pace. In the meantime I'm enjoying exploring the world in drawings and short stories. When I go in for a first edit I'll have a great catalogue of information to really enrich the draft.
Competitions
With a solid draft of The Kelpie's Heart I've been submitting the novel to various competitions as well as agents.
I got some great experience from participating in the
#DVPit event in April and October. I highly recommend doing this because it really helps sharpen your skills in summarising and pitching your book. It's just as much of a skill as anything and I definitely struggle with 'less is more'. I've definitely gotten better in the last year and had some great feedback and support from
Paul Campbell and
Philip Vernon. I think I have a solid pitch and query letter and have had feedback from agents to that affect.
I also entered myself for several competitions and awards including the
Bath Children's Novel Award and
the Caledonian Award. Sadly, you don't get feedback from competitions but the experience of submitting put me through my paces in editing my synopsis and working to capture what is special about my work. The
Scottish Book Trust is a great resource for opportunities.
I've also been doing the
Scottish Book Trust's 50 Word Fiction competitions. It's good fun and I genuinely enjoy doing them. But, it even got to the point where a 'no thanks' on something so small was a stab in the heart. I started doubting my sensibilities and trying to second guess what type of stories they were looking for and whether I had it (To be honest there have only been 1 or 2 winners who's story I liked or 'got' the humour of). But, it's good practice so I kept writing them. I challenged myself to write something lighter or humorous or mysterious every month. But stopped submitting for a while. Some times writing can just be for me. And now, I've stopped second guessing myself, write something I find engaging (usually something a bit macabre) and submit. If it's not chosen, big deal. I actually re-listened to the
RuPaul podcast, What's the Tee, with Titus Burgess where they talk about that very thing. *ohm*
I might actually illustrate some of my 50 word stories and post them at some point. There are a few I really like.
Help!
I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody!
I've had sooooooo much help and support from friends and colleagues. Not just cheering me on but offering practical and professional advice, reading drafts, looking at pictures and just being generally supporting. I couldn't have done nearly as much as I have without their advice and counsel.
Putting your work out there is terrifying. And, even when the people you love say you're good, it doesn't necessarily feel that way. But I have so many talented friends who've offered their support and advice. As respected professionals, I don't believe they'd lead me astray and it means so much that they've helped me put my best foot forward.
Hope you enjoy!
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