It's my big 4-0 this year!! For my birthday every year I try to do an illustration as a kind of birthday card to myself. In the portrait I try to embody the things that I hope for myself in the year to come.
This year I settled on a "cosmic creation" theme. I realise, at 40, I have so much freedom to pursue my passion in a way that I never have before. I've learned so much about myself over the last few years and this is the time that I can really start to put all that into action.
I started musing on the portrait in April because I wanted to come up with something new and inventive. I had a really wild idea of a portrait with a flaming head and black swan feathers. It would be ethereal and majestic and bad ass. But as the idea developed I kept hitting a wall. Something about it didn't feel true (though I might still finish the drawing at some point).
Every story I tell - every poem, every illustration, every blog entry - I create a lovely new little world. And when I share those little worlds I connect with other people, expanding my world in turn.
I played around with a few options trying to get the right feeling, but, in the end, I found inspiration again from an old favourite - Alphonse Mucha. My muse of many many years, Mucha's portraits have always inspired me to create new and wonderful pieces. And I ended up paying homage to his decorative panels "The Moon and Stars". I've had prints of these celestial bodies on my walls for years.
40 and free - the pen and the heart
It's funny because, as I approach the big 4-0 I started to feel a bit adrift. I think, like a lot of people, "big" birthdays tend to bring big questions with them. We get to this point in our lives and there are so many internalised societal expectations of where we're supposed to be, it's only natural that we'd stand back and ask, "is this right?"
I thought about where my parents were at 40 and, as a single childless man, I'm in a completely different place than they were and so many of my peers currently are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a grass is greener situation. I've worked hard to be where I am. I made decisions and sacrifices to get where I am. And I'm happy with though choices as I'm now in an extremely privileged position to have the space and resources to even question those choices with little to no consequence. But, I do wonder "what next?" I have so much life ahead of me and, aside from a family unit all my own, I finally have all the things that I need to be happy - stable job, stable living situation, friends, relatively good health. So, what is my purpose going forwards when I'm not scrabbling up that hill to get my basic needs met?
Well, as I talked it out with friends, the answer came to me. I'd already finished the portrait and so much of what I want to do next was already in there (in fact they were there last year too!). Just like other people who have the families will have things that they've put on hold to get where they are, so do I. And, for the time being, because I don't have kids or a partner that I need to consider, I have the option of choosing my path and the freedom to pursue that goal with abandon.
For me, this next chapter is all about creative and artistic fulfilment. In so many ways moving to and settling in Scotland was kind of like my baby. I had to pause a lot of my life and career choices in order to stay here. And, as I worked several jobs to save up for the numerous visas and eventual citizenship, there often wasn't time to sit back and muse about poetry or pursue passions because a lot of space in my brain was occupied by the very real needs to keep a roof over my head. Now, with more security than I've ever had in my life, I have a strong foundation from which I can pursue my art and self-expression. It was all already there in the painting - the pen and the heart. I'd already told myself the answer before I even knew I was looking for it.
I've seen some creative success in the last couple years and now I just have to keep going on that road. But, this time I'm not with proceeding with trepidation. I'm going forward with the boldness and confidence of knowing that this is what I'm meant to be doing.
The rest of the symbols in the painting are pretty straight forward. The crown because I'm owning my shit. One of the things I've learned in the last couple years is I'm pretty good at stuff. I don't need to doubt or downplay my personality or skills anymore. I don't need to make myself smaller to be acceptable. I can be bold and trust that I have enough humility to know when I need to seek counsel. The orb in the middle is one of the universes that I'm creating - spinning worlds into existence with my imagination.
Cosmic portrait
I then went back in with deeper shades to get really dark areas to make the colours pop as much as possible. The tricky part was getting the figure itself to stand out. I liked using the white pen to outline the figure and added subtle bits of shading to make the form stand out as much as possible without making it too dark. I had characters like Eternity from Marvel comics and spirit Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender in my head.
I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. As an experiment I think it came out pretty well. There are things that I'd do differently if I did it again, for example, being more mindful of the where the darker shades are to make sure the white really popped where I needed it to. But, still it came out pretty cool and I had so much fun trying to push what I can get watercolour to do!
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