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| A mask for every occasion |
I always thought the concept of having different parts of yourself that you show the world was a universal concept. So, imagine my shock when I told a friend about my masks and they looked at me like I was insane! I thought everyone had well defined 'other selves' that they put on like armour when they where in social situations.
For as long as I can remember I've always adjusted my energy to present an acceptable version of myself depending on the situation. As a black person growing up in the US code switching isn't an uncommon concept. So, shifting my personality slightly wasn't a stretch. I came to think of it as putting on a 'mask' to make sure I fit into a situation. But, as I've gotten older and learned more about myself, I've discovered that 'masking' is a well documented coping mechanism for many neurodiverse people, in my case ADHD.
It's not strictly a skill some neurodiverse people have developed. I know of many performers who talk about their public or stage persona - Beyonce and Sasha Fierce being one of the most famous.
But, for me, my masks are a protective shell, a persona that I put on to protect my real self. They are a veil to disguise my idiosyncrasies and quirks from ridicule. Other times they are a dam that's holding back the tide of anxiety, ticks and emotion so that I can flow through the world without overwhelming myself and others.
Energy
I visualise my masks as combinations of my essential energies. These are the forces that are innate to me which I can tap into as and when I need. They are:
- Leo - Yellow/gold - passion, enthusiasm, go-getterness
- Themo - Blue - creativity, self-expression, empathy / emotion
- Smith - Purple - self-preservation, recharge, critical eye
When all aspects of my energies are in balance I'm my authentic self. This is the me that close friends and family see. I bounce from wacky to moody to over-analysing to forgetful to hyperfocussed in my natural ebb and flow. It's a me that, in the past, I wasn't comfortable with everyone seeing because history has taught me that others can see it as "too much".
I developed masks to help control that flow of energy when I was feeling anxious or self conscious. They are the result of amping up or subtracting one of the other energies to help me more easily navigate a particular situation.
Example: I'm at a dinner party and feeling overwhelmed but my ride doesn't want to leave for another hour, but sitting in a corner napping will make other people uncomfortable. Welp, dial up yellow and purple, put on a show and draw energy from the crowd!
Who are my masks?
I've come to rely on my masks less and less as I get older and become more comfortable with me (and frankly I've learned to stay away from people who don't deserves to see the wealth of awesome that is the real me). But I still find comfort in knowing that these very distinct personas are there for me to tap into if and when I need them!
Mx Diagnosed is the performer, the sassy, sharp tongued assassin who likes to put on a show. They are as intriguing as they are dangerous. They have the quick come backs and dance moves. Mx Diagnosed is the me that holds court and plays up to the crowd.
The first poem I had published was actually about my discovery of this deadly diva. As useful as they are on stage they're quite dangerous because they draw their energy from the attention of others. They're the amalgamation of internalised gay stereotypes and the need I felt to hide my exhaustion and illness. They're the me at parties when I'm tired and want to go home but feel the need to be 'on'. They're the alcohol fuelled party monster that makes me attempt back bends on the dance floor that result in not being able to sit up straight for a week. They use up all my sunshine and it's too easy to slip out of balance into Smith. Ms D belongs on the stage and only on the stage (and maybe at a drag brunch).
Smith is the mask that I probably wore the longest. Smith is a manifestation of my inner critic (also called Smith). Smith is always Smith. He's steadfast. An empathic sponge at his best, he's a protector of self. He's happy to sit apart and listen to music. Talk for hours on end about the ins and outs of the universe, at least until he doesn't want to. He can't be let down because he doesn't depend on anyone. He can endure anything, and, like the hulk, he gets bigger and stronger the more you throw at him. He can take it.
Smith was born of rejection sensitivity dysphoria and forgetfulness. He is the excuse I gave for the parts of myself that I felt overwhelmed by. He's the mask I wore for most of my adolescence and young adulthood. Why are you so sensitive? Well, just call yourself a misunderstood artist! The problem is wearing him too long results in loneliness and that's a beast that feeds itself. You can't see the sunshine if your head is always down.
Super Sunshine Business Man
Probably my oldest mask, what can't SSBM do?! He can do everything and make it look easy. He's creative. He's smart. He's a peaceful, professional problem solver and a self-sufficient showman. He's everything that everyone wants to be. Polished and confident and fun, because, why wouldn't he be? He can answer all of the questions and think on his feet. He's nailed every job interview he's had because he is charm personified. He's bold and inspiring and helpful. He's a party planner, a dinner party host, Oprah, a counsellor, a professional designer, a composer, an administrative guru, a project manager - the list goes on and on!
SSBM was born because I was terrified if I wasn't perfect and actively helping people and giving them things then no one would want me around. And, after all, when I'm lonely that's when Smith comes. And, no one likes that guy! But, even though SSBM can turn his multiple hand to just about anything it leaves me stretched thin and wan. Also, being the sunshine for everyone else means I'm not saving any of that energy for myself. And then I feel sad and exhausted and spend way too much money on clothes which results in me having to work harder and put on SSBM to make more money and the cycle continues.
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Buy 'Black Star' or 'Spirit Shear' on Amazon in the UK and US
Check out Themo on Twitter and Facebook
So, those are my masks. Who knows, maybe there's more. And, thankfully I need them less and less. But, they each served a very real purpose in my life. And, now that I have an awareness of them I'm much more conscious of how much energy I'm using in any given situation and knowing when I need to slow down and recharge or when I have sunshine to spare.
Most importantly they've helped me realise all of the forces that I have inside me and how they can be used for good and how important it is to listen to myself.
Do you have masks?
Buy 'Black Star' or 'Spirit Shear' on Amazon in the UK and US
Check out Themo on Twitter and Facebook
