40 and free

It's my big 4-0 this year!! For my birthday every year I try to do an illustration as a kind of birthday card to myself. In the portrait I try to embody the things that I hope for myself in the year to come.

This year I settled on a "cosmic creation" theme. I realise, at 40, I have so much freedom to pursue my passion in a way that I never have before. I've learned so much about myself over the last few years and this is the time that I can really start to put all that into action.

I started musing on the portrait in April because I wanted to come up with something new and inventive. I had a really wild idea of a portrait with a flaming head and black swan feathers. It would be ethereal and majestic and bad ass. But as the idea developed I kept hitting a wall. Something about it didn't feel true (though I might still finish the drawing at some point).

I had to go back to the literal drawing board. When trying to jumpstart an idea I sometimes revisit old ones in the hopes that they shake things loose. So, I sketched out an updated version of last year's portrait for fun and immediately things started to click. From the old drawing I kept the heart and the pen but thought this year instead of focussing my energy on finding peace and stability (which I have) I want to use my renewed energy, my heart and my art to create new exciting worlds. 

Every story I tell - every poem, every illustration, every blog entry - I create a lovely new little world. And when I share those little worlds I connect with other people, expanding my world in turn. 

Last year's portrait had a background that was inspired by Steven Universe because I'd just finished a drawing of my very own Themo Crystal Gems (which I just realised I never finished drafting the blog for). But this year I wanted to do something a bit more cosmic, something of my own - to embody the feeling of creation and infinite possibility that I had in my head. 

I played around with a few options trying to get the right feeling, but, in the end, I found inspiration again from an old favourite - Alphonse Mucha. My muse of many many years, Mucha's portraits have always inspired me to create new and wonderful pieces. And I ended up paying homage to his decorative panels "The Moon and Stars". I've had prints of these celestial bodies on my walls for years. 

40 and free - the pen and the heart

It's funny because, as I approach the big 4-0 I started to feel a bit adrift. I think, like a lot of people, "big" birthdays tend to bring big questions with them. We get to this point in our lives and there are so many internalised societal expectations of where we're supposed to be, it's only natural that we'd stand back and ask, "is this right?"

I thought about where my parents were at 40 and, as a single childless man, I'm in a completely different place than they were and so many of my peers currently are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a grass is greener situation. I've worked hard to be where I am. I made decisions and sacrifices to get where I am. And I'm happy with though choices as I'm now in an extremely privileged position to have the space and resources to even question those choices with little to no consequence. But, I do wonder "what next?" I have so much life ahead of me and, aside from a family unit all my own, I finally have all the things that I need to be happy - stable job, stable living situation, friends, relatively good health. So, what is my purpose going forwards when I'm not scrabbling up that hill to get my basic needs met?

Well, as I talked it out with friends, the answer came to me. I'd already finished the portrait and so much of what I want to do next was already in there (in fact they were there last year too!). Just like other people who have the families will have things that they've put on hold to get where they are, so do I. And, for the time being, because I don't have kids or a partner that I need to consider, I have the option of choosing my path and the freedom to pursue that goal with abandon.

For me, this next chapter is all about creative and artistic fulfilment. In so many ways moving to and settling in Scotland was kind of like my baby. I had to pause a lot of my life and career choices in order to stay here. And, as I worked several jobs to save up for the numerous visas and eventual citizenship, there often wasn't time to sit back and muse about poetry or pursue passions because a lot of space in my brain was occupied by the very real needs to keep a roof over my head. Now, with more security than I've ever had in my life, I have a strong foundation from which I can pursue my art and self-expression. It was all already there in the painting - the pen and the heart. I'd already told myself the answer before I even knew I was looking for it. 

I've seen some creative success in the last couple years and now I just have to keep going on that road. But, this time I'm not with proceeding with trepidation. I'm going forward with the boldness and confidence of knowing that this is what I'm meant to be doing. 

The rest of the symbols in the painting are pretty straight forward. The crown because I'm owning my shit. One of the things I've learned in the last couple years is I'm pretty good at stuff. I don't need to doubt or downplay my personality or skills anymore. I don't need to make myself smaller to be acceptable. I can be bold and trust that I have enough humility to know when I need to seek counsel. The orb in the middle is one of the universes that I'm creating - spinning worlds into existence with my imagination.

Cosmic portrait

Before I did the final picture I wanted to try something totally new. Again, going with the cosmic theme, I tried painting more of an interstellar galactic scene with the figure in the portrait blending into the the stars themselves. I had a great time experimenting with watercolour to try and get that wonderful cosmic cloud effect. I started by building up layers and layers of washes to get the deep clouds of reds, blues and purples. There was a lot of blotting to get the edges as diffuse and as possible.

I then went back in with deeper shades to get really dark areas to make the colours pop as much as possible. The tricky part was getting the figure itself to stand out. I liked using the white pen to outline the figure and added subtle bits of shading to make the form stand out as much as possible without making it too dark. I had characters like Eternity from Marvel comics and spirit Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender in my head. 

 

I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. As an experiment I think it came out pretty well. There are things that I'd do differently if I did it again, for example, being more mindful of the where the darker shades are to make sure the white really popped where I needed it to. But, still it came out pretty cool and I had so much fun trying to push what I can get watercolour to do!

Original sketch:

Hope you enjoy!
‽

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Selkie splash

I'm finishing up my entry about selkies for the bestiary. This guy has been one of my favourite creatures to draw and paint. There's something really fun about drawing a seals sleek shape along with the splashing water. Working on the Selkie and spending more time on the water even inspired a poem and cartoon for the Edinburgh Blue Balls. 

I actually made this first painting last summer. I went for a bit of a wander to Leith Links and sat under a willow tree to enjoy the day and enjoy flights of fancy. I wanted to test out my new travel water colour set and brush pens. From that experimentation this guy sprang onto the page!

In the bestiary Merlin describes the selkie as:

Selkie tramp stamp

"In their natural form they resemble a seal but are vivid blues, azures and greens. They have the most magnificent markings on their backs. At first glance they appear to be stripes, however, on closer inspection they prove to be densely gathered intricate spirals patterns. They have long flowing hairs on the tops of their heads and an internal glow that illuminate under the water. While on an evening dip it is quite a show to see a group of selkie lights streaking beneath the water. 
 
"When in human form they look just like any other aside from their pelt markings which remain around their lower backs."

The selkie's human form and their back tattoos were actually inspired by someone I knew. He was quite possibly the nicest, most loyal, kind hearted and unassuming person you could ever meet. But he had a massive lower back tattoo! It was such a shock it was indeed like finding out he was actually a mythical creature in disguise. 

When settling on a look for the selkie in its native form I stuck mainly to the features of a seal. I did explore other aquatic mammals to see if there were any features I could borrow to give the selkie a proper other worldly feeling. But, I realised that for it to truly be a selkie it needed to be as seal-like as possible. So besides big ol' purple eyes and some funky colours it's all seal.

However, one of my favourite drawings is of a walrus-like being. I was envisioning what a dying shapeshifting creature might look like, melting between two forms. This fella is a pretty sorry specimen and may not even be a Celtic creature! Perhaps they're some sort of sea spirit from Greenland or even further afield that got lost in a storm and ended up on the shores of Alba. Now in the (slightly) warmer climes they're struggling to maintain their form. It's a pitiable sight but beautiful in it's strangeness. 

Check out more from the Bestiary here!

• Haggis and wulver
• Eachy
• Giants giants giants
• Cat sidhe
• Gargoyles
• Chimaera
• Kelpie
• Dragons, sidhe (fairies), and trows

Hope you enjoy!
‽

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Check out Themo on Twitter and Facebook

She sells seashell - a poem

A selkie by the North Sea

It started with a limpet shell.

I've always loved the water and after spending many summers on the waters of Connecticut studying marine life became a passion and joy. Then at the beginning of 2020 when I began The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron one of my imaginary alternative careers was to be a marine biologist. 

But, as many things do, it began to fade and I did less things with the sea. But, at the start of 2020 I began looking to the sea for help and healing. I'd known for a while that my spirit animal is a blue whale. And through meditating and focussing on that I found a sense of excitement and peace.

Through The Artist's Way I began dabbling in marine biology. As part of my artist's dates I would regularly walk to the ocean just to be on the water. I then began picking up shells taking them home and studying them.

The first shell I picked up was a limpet shell. And, in looking into it, I found that limpet teeth are made of the strongest substance on earth. Something about it gave me a sense of renewed strength in the need to be more tenacious. It told me that I was on the right track and encouraged me to get out to the sea more and more.

Over the next few months I made more and more trips to the sea and eventually a friend invited me to join the Edinburgh Blue Balls for one of their cold water 'dips'. It seemed mad to consider jumping into the freezing North Sea in April. But, I'd made a commitment to trying new things and, particularly, be in or around the water as much as possible. So, I put my money where my mouth is, put on a pair of budgy smugglers and jumped (well, walked slowly) in. 

I can't say it was magical. But, I was not only joining a group of sea dippers, I was joining a group that was founded to support men's mental health. It has been such a boon to my life. It was on my second or third dip when I had a situation that would normally have caused an extreme bout of anxiety, but I seemed to sail through it because I was too busy laughing and jumping through waves. I began to realise what a powerful effect the water and the group was having on me. 

So, one day as I was practicing my water colours before working on my bestiary, I decided to warm up with what I believed a Blue Balls selkie would look like. The picture turned out better than I imagined and it slowly began a cascade of thoughts that led to one of my most recent favourite poems.

I'm so glad I'm reconnecting with the water. Every time I visit the there's another adventure or new organism or bit of information to learn about. Best of all I get to jump in regularly with an incredible group of guys. 

And Venus Was His Name - photo by Schnapps Photo

Hope you enjoy!
‽

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Life in colour - watercolour

Self portrait - watercolour - 2020

I've been practicing my watercolours again. It's been nice to get back into them and remember some of the many many lessons I've learned over the years. 

I got my first watercolour set in Middle School. I was desperate to try my hand at painting. And, I'm pretty sure my parents' reason for handing me watercolours was because there were easy to clean up. And, I've always veered towards the less messy creative arts. However, I'd had the various paint by number acrylic sets and a Bob Ross oil paint kits as a kid. But, I never went back to any of those with any lasting interest. 

There's something about the fluidity and wildness of watercolour that seems to work well for me. Perhaps I'm drawn to them because they seem to be the favoured medium of many of my favourite illustrators. I remember being enchanted by Michael Foreman's illustration in Nicobobinus when I was 10 years old. The depth, texture and life that watercolour brought to his images was captivating. Manga artists tend to use a combination of pen, ink and watercolour. And some of my favourite illustrators, Tony DiTerlizzi for example, use watercolour in a way that is simultaneously fanciful and grounded in reality. 

Did I choose watercolour or did they choose me? Who knows?! I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm just glad to have reconnected with another form of self-expression that gives me the opportunity to share what's on the inside!

Hope you enjoy!

‽

Buy 'Black Star' or 'Spirit Shear' on Amazon in the UK and US
Check out Themo on Twitter and Facebook

The masks - neurodiveristy meets creativity

A mask for every occasion

I always thought the concept of having different parts of yourself that you show the world was a universal concept. So, imagine my shock when I told a friend about my masks and they looked at me like I was insane! I thought everyone had well defined 'other selves' that they put on like armour when they where in social situations. 

For as long as I can remember I've always adjusted my energy to present an acceptable version of myself depending on the situation. As a black person growing up in the US code switching isn't an uncommon concept. So, shifting my personality slightly wasn't a stretch. I came to think of it as putting on a 'mask' to make sure I fit into a situation. But, as I've gotten older and learned more about myself, I've discovered that 'masking' is a well documented coping mechanism for many neurodiverse people, in my case ADHD.

It's not strictly a skill some neurodiverse people have developed. I know of many performers who talk about their public or stage persona - Beyonce and Sasha Fierce being one of the most famous.

But, for me, my masks are a protective shell, a persona that I put on to protect my real self. They are a veil to disguise my idiosyncrasies and quirks from ridicule. Other times they are a dam that's holding back the tide of anxiety, ticks and emotion so that I can flow through the world without overwhelming myself and others.

Energy

I visualise my masks as combinations of my essential energies. These are the forces that are innate to me which I can tap into as and when I need. They are:

• Leo - Yellow/gold - passion, enthusiasm, go-getterness
• Themo - Blue - creativity, self-expression, empathy / emotion
• Smith - Purple - self-preservation, recharge, critical eye

When all aspects of my energies are in balance I'm my authentic self. This is the me that close friends and family see. I bounce from wacky to moody to over-analysing to forgetful to hyperfocussed in my natural ebb and flow. It's a me that, in the past, I wasn't comfortable with everyone seeing because history has taught me that others can see it as "too much". 

I developed masks to help control that flow of energy when I was feeling anxious or self conscious. They are the result of amping up or subtracting one of the other energies to help me more easily navigate a particular situation. 

Example: I'm at a dinner party and feeling overwhelmed but my ride doesn't want to leave for another hour, but sitting in a corner napping will make other people uncomfortable. Welp, dial up yellow and purple, put on a show and draw energy from the crowd!

Who are my masks?

I've come to rely on my masks less and less as I get older and become more comfortable with me (and frankly I've learned to stay away from people who don't deserves to see the wealth of awesome that is the real me). But I still find comfort in knowing that these very distinct personas are there for me to tap into if and when I need them! 

Mx Diagnosed (Miss D if ya nastay)

Mx Diagnosed is the performer, the sassy, sharp tongued assassin who likes to put on a show. They are as intriguing as they are dangerous. They have the quick come backs and dance moves. Mx Diagnosed is the me that holds court and plays up to the crowd. 

The first poem I had published was actually about my discovery of this deadly diva. As useful as they are on stage they're quite dangerous because they draw their energy from the attention of others. They're the amalgamation of internalised gay stereotypes and the need I felt to hide my exhaustion and illness. They're the me at parties when I'm tired and want to go home but feel the need to be 'on'. They're the alcohol fuelled party monster that makes me attempt back bends on the dance floor that result in not being able to sit up straight for a week. They use up all my sunshine and it's too easy to slip out of balance into Smith. Ms D belongs on the stage and only on the stage (and maybe at a drag brunch).

Smith

Smith is the mask that I probably wore the longest. Smith is a manifestation of my inner critic (also called Smith). Smith is always Smith. He's steadfast. An empathic sponge at his best, he's a protector of self. He's happy to sit apart and listen to music. Talk for hours on end about the ins and outs of the universe, at least until he doesn't want to. He can't be let down because he doesn't depend on anyone. He can endure anything, and, like the hulk, he gets bigger and stronger the more you throw at him. He can take it.

Smith was born of rejection sensitivity dysphoria and forgetfulness. He is the excuse I gave for the parts of myself that I felt overwhelmed by. He's the mask I wore for most of my adolescence and young adulthood. Why are you so sensitive? Well, just call yourself a misunderstood artist! The problem is wearing him too long results in loneliness and that's a beast that feeds itself. You can't see the sunshine if your head is always down.

Super Sunshine Business Man

Probably my oldest mask, what can't SSBM do?! He can do everything and make it look easy. He's creative. He's smart. He's a peaceful, professional problem solver and a self-sufficient showman. He's everything that everyone wants to be. Polished and confident and fun, because, why wouldn't he be? He can answer all of the questions and think on his feet. He's nailed every job interview he's had because he is charm personified. He's bold and inspiring and helpful. He's a party planner, a dinner party host, Oprah, a counsellor, a professional designer, a composer, an administrative guru, a project manager - the list goes on and on!

SSBM was born because I was terrified if I wasn't perfect and actively helping people and giving them things then no one would want me around. And, after all, when I'm lonely that's when Smith comes. And, no one likes that guy! But, even though SSBM can turn his multiple hand to just about anything it leaves me stretched thin and wan. Also, being the sunshine for everyone else means I'm not saving any of that energy for myself. And then I feel sad and exhausted and spend way too much money on clothes which results in me having to work harder and put on SSBM to make more money and the cycle continues. 

So, those are my masks. Who knows, maybe there's more. And, thankfully I need them less and less. But, they each served a very real purpose in my life. And, now that I have an awareness of them I'm much more conscious of how much energy I'm using in any given situation and knowing when I need to slow down and recharge or when I have sunshine to spare.

Most importantly they've helped me realise all of the forces that I have inside me and how they can be used for good and how important it is to listen to myself.

Do you have masks?

‽

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Fantasitc Bestiary 4 - Colour to the world

I've been practicing my watercolour. So I thought the best way to get back into it was to practice on some of my own illustrations.

One of my favourite mythological is the haggis, a three legged little furry buddy that runs around the hillsides. Merlin describes them as, "A small three-legged creature that is rather fat and round.* Its speckled spiky fur is naturally the colour of dried grass and dirt. When threatened it can change colour to camouflage itself on hillsides. The food that has come to be known as haggis is so named because of its similar size, shape and colouring to the creature. I have seen the young hagglets shimmer and sparkle as they play, learning to manage their camouflage." 

Another portrait I've done is of the wulver. They're a werewolf like creature that lives in the highlands. However, they have none of the menace. 

This wulver is named Ulchel and has the loveliest lilac tartan trousers and a big mane of curly ginger hair. In the bestiary wulvers are described as, "Wulver are the gentlest of folk. They have the face and claws of a wulf but none of the instincts that might inspire fear. However, because of their animal features human folk tend to treat them with hostility and mistrust. They are covered head to toe in fur, but often wear some form of leg covering and pinny. They have thick bristly hairs, large as twigs, protruding from their backs. These mimic the lazy detritus of a river which allows them to, should an unwanted man happen upon their quiet fishing place, slip into the water and float away unbeknownst. To my knowledge they have no other magyck."

While, in the final product the illustrations will still be in black and white, I think seeing them in living colour gives me such a feeling of excitement.

 

Also, some information that everyone needs to know - haggis is both the plural and singular and a family of haggis is called a "huggle"!

Ulchel - wulver in black and white

Check out more from the Bestiary here!

• Eachy
• Giants giants giants
• Cat sidhe
• Gargoyles
• Chimaera
• Kelpie
• Dragons, sidhe (fairies), and trows

Hope you enjoy!
‽

Buy 'Black Star' or 'Spirit Shear' on Amazon in the UK and US
Check out Themo on Twitter and Facebook

Crashing through

I want to get back to working on Black Star - New Galaxy edition. 

I've got a few other illustrations finished but this is by far my favourite. Something about the dynamism and motion makes it exciting. It's also one of my favourite passages in the book. It's the first moment that raises the stakes for Gemmy on his journey to understand and control his abilities. 

And, let's be honest, what teenager hasn't fanaticised about wreaking havoc on one of their old high school classrooms!

Enjoying getting back to work.

Hope you enjoy!
‽

Buy 'Black Star' or 'Spirit Shear' on Amazon in the UK and US
Check out Themo on Twitter and Facebook